Ridiculous Whisky News Recap

Ridiculous whisky news written by Whiskey on the House. For the full uncensored commentary and the famous “Drunken Whiskey Reviews,” visit their site.

Story #1: Absolut Creates Whiskey-Flavored Vodka, Wonders If Whiskey Drinkers Will Gravitate Towards It

Uuuuum no. That's a resounding no to one of the most ridiculous questions maybe of all time. Of course whiskey drinkers wouldn't be down with whiskey flavored vodka? Why? Because it's vodka! I don't understand why anyone would want whiskey flavored vodka, let alone focusing in on whiskey drinkers who usually aren't down with the 'ka at all. It pretty much stands for everything that whiskey isn't: flavored. The beauty of whiskey is that it (usually) doesn't come in flavors (go f—k yourself Fireball). Vodka has multiple rows in any liquor store that include marshmallow, vanilla, etc. Whiskey just has styles. Rye, bourbon, scotch, etc. So no. Whiskey drinkers don't want to be drinking vodka. That's like asking Americans if they like freedom-styled communism. 

What a cocky move by Big Vodka here, though. Let's just go ahead and make a whiskey flavored vodka because we know everyone will absolutely hate it. Gotta say I respect the confidence. Power moves only.

Story #2: Ardbeg Whiskey That Was Aged In Space Returns To Earth, And It Doesn’t Taste Very Good

This is exactly what was bound to happen since day 1. Whenever you let nerds meddle with something awesome, the result is always horrible. Nerds meddled with walking down the street and gave us Segways. Nerds meddled with sports and gave us fantasy football fans who no longer root for their town's team, but for own fantasy team. 

But not this time, nerds. Anything, and I mean anything that tastes like smoked fish (including any smoked fish), is not going anywhere near me. But what was the overall point of this exercise, you may ask? There's a very simple, yet powerful idea at work here that just got completely rejected: we're screwed if and when we have to move into space. We simply won't be able to have our whiskey up there. So go head, rich people. Climb into your weird space shuttles and launch yourselves into space. I'll gladly hang out down here with the poor people/zombies that are left when you all decide to leave, as long as it means I can drink whiskey.

Story #3: Guy Robs a Restaurant With A Gun, Drinks Their Whiskey, Leaves a Tip

Who the hell said America has a gun problem? The rest of the world has a robbing problem. As in they don't rob the correct way. This dude did it right. Every good criminal knows that it's important to leave your mark. The Joker lights shit on fire, Dexter cuts people up and dumps them in the ocean before growing out his horrible beard and ending that show in the worst way possible, and this dude chugs whiskey and leaves fifty cent tips. I would venture to say that every single robber sitting in jail is cowering in their cells right now waiting for this guy to eventually, inevitably join him behind bars. Because when he gets in jail, hell will be raised. This is a pure criminal. Playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers.